I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
