I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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