my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
