Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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