So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
