do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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