I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
