I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Randomize
