Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
