I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Randomize
