hotel room ftw
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize