my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
