it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
