Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
