It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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