She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
