I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
