Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
