I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
