My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Randomize
