God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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