I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
