Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
