I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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