That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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