If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
