im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
