Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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