An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
