In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
