I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It's blow job season.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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