tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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