Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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