I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
