then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
