Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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