oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
