There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
