I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize