lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize