you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
