You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
