Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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