6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
