I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
