I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
