if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
