i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Randomize
