Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
