I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
