my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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