I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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