Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
