Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
