I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
