I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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